Could be a case of the broederbond wanting to put the English in their place.

Before we begin I should explain that I’m writing with concussion and that any spelling mistakes hereafter are the responsibility of one of Paarl Boys’ props. That might give you an idea of what is to follow.

But it would be unfair to be too negative. Paarl Boys are the second best team in South Africa. They have the heaviest player in the tournament, weighing in at 128 kg (20 stone, and a full 4 stone heavier than me, our heaviest player). They outweighed our front row by 150 kg, and the rest of the team by an average of 20 kg per person. A Crusaders scout said that the greatest difference between the two sides was weight. St John’s headmaster said losing to Paarl by less than 100 points was an achievement.

So when I tell you we lost, I’m telling you that we were beaten by a genuinely great side. Paarl had the kind of dynamic attack that would make Stuart Lancaster quiver, their defence was organised and effective, and I can’t describe their scrum as anything but earthquake-like.

With all credit to the team, we played every second at the highest pitch we could. Particular mention goes to those lads who wouldn’t shut up, who always told us we needed to push on, who let us leave the pitch with our heads held high. Who made us run back to every kick off.

As far as the actual match is concerned, our game plan was to go fast and wide. Our reasoning was that if we could get outside the ‘bigun’s’ in the pack and run at their wings we might stand a chance. In defence we would match their physicality around the breakdown and pressure their backline, counter-rucking when we could.

We had our chances, and if the kicks had gone our way we could have racked up a few points in response. It might be the cliché of losing teams, but we really can hold our heads up after that. If any of us have the energy to, that is.

As far as our preparations for the next match go I’ve gained some weight – apparently so much that I can shear two metal bolts and crash down to the floor as I spectacularly break a chair. Everybody laughed, of course.

Calum Cant

Paarl Boys 72 – Lord Wandsworth 0